The Gas-tly Ghost

WRITER’S NOTE: This story contains some rough language, silliness, and a lot of crude humor.  Don’t take it serious, but reader beware of this Bizarro ghost story.

On Bullbrick Lane there was a ghost who haunted the entire neighborhood with its love of farting. It haunted a neighborhood so hard with gas, the area smelled like dinosaur ass each night. Not that the neighbors ever smelled dino butt before, however they imagined this is what it would smell like. People of the neighborhood rung a bell at the local church, and pulled their kids in quick before there was a hint of darkness. Nearly every sensible child obeyed. For those who doubted their parents, they had a rough, long, night.

There was a plus to this ghost. Many could break wind, and no one could tell unless they heard it. If it was loud, it summoned the ghost, inside the home and he made a thousand times the loudness of the last fart. The walls shook, pictures fell off walls. Doors fell off hinges, and people blew outta rooms.

The neighborhood was powerless to stop the ghost. All people heard-as a warning-was the traditional “oooooooh” ghost whaling then a “uhhhhhhhh” grunt of relief coupled with a booming, wet fart sound. It was like the ghost was dying all over again. The smell was ridiculously bad.  It stung noses, eyes, ears, and the mouth. People ran out of their homes. Some slept in doghouses, others in tress. No neighbor would open the door if you got expelled. The ghost was after you, ant it trolled a family all night if it chose.

Finally they hired an exorcist (cause Ghostbusters was trademarked, and costs too much to come way from New York for a damn poo gas ghost). The poor man came with candles, crucifixes, bibles, and assistants. He was proud, held his head up high. His clothes were immaculate, clean and pressed. The motto on his station wagon read, “you get what you pay for.”

The exorcist went to the last home the ghost haunted, sent the family to a hotel, and laid out the equipment. They prepared the exorcise the ghost under candlelight.  “I banish you,” The exorcist decried. “You are cast out!”

“I banish you,” the ghost mocked. Suddenly the area was still.

“Show yourself spawn from the bowels of Hades”

“Oh I got something fo’ yo ass. Mister” The ghost said.  “My ass!” The ghost made itself visible, farted in all of their faces. They all fell to the floor and  violently vomited. “Banish me now,” the ghost demanded. The exorcist and his crew crawled to their car, and slowly drove away with the windows down, and the air on full blast. They were never heard from again.

The neighbors couldn’t sell there homes and even when some begged HGTV or other TV shows to help, suddenly ghost was in the homes of the producers spreading gas. People learned quick, don’t mess with the ghost.

One night a fool decided to ask the ghost, “why you always farting all over the damn place? People gotta live here?”

“Oh?” The ghost asked. “Do they?” It ripped a few more. The nights were filled with foul green mists and it wasn’t pretty: Cats, dogs, and rodents died. Little kids got sick like their homes were built over a toxic dump site. Parents cried cause it was really stink, more so than their kids were puking.

Just when all hope was lost, a lonely soul came to town. She was tired, and bitter cause she couldn’t find a man. She also belched like a fucking camel times three-hundred. Window panes cracked at the roar of the belch. Walls shook, and the thunder made people cry.

Needless to say it pissed the ghost off that someone was louder than it was. It conspired to make its loudest fart. It ate all the beans, broccoli, and fiber it saw, and that alone should not have worked, yet it did. It built all the gas it could and refuses to pass any for a week. Finally, it materialized in from of the newcomer, however in its desire to blast the hell outta this newcomer, it blew itself apart, along with the home. The lady survived, but the ghost was never heard from agin.

The town was so pleased they tried to buy the bitter belcher an escort, but how could they? No man was willing to ignore the elephant in the room, or take one for the team. Needless to say she stayed in town until she was convinced all the men were taken, or gay. A lotta guys got married, or faked having girl/boyfriends for a long six months.

No one could sell there houses either.  The economy kinda screwed them as worse as the ghost ever did.

END

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